just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize