Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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