the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
