Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
