I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
