Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
