No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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