so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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