guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
