Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
