i don't plan on having that self control this summer
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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