Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
