I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You dont lie about slip and slides
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
