last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
