I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
