Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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