everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
