I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
