I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
