he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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