I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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