I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
