the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
