I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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