there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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