She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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