So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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