She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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