Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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