he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
