my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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