the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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