i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
