1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
