True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
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You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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