Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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