So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
