I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
