Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
