i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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