they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
