all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
