you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
