woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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