I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
