I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
