I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
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history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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