jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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