omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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