We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
