if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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