I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
