do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
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Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
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I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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