I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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