I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
