I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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